• Shavonne Wager

Being Sexy Online VS reality. 

by Von Wager


I think it's quite normal to have a complicated relationship with sex as a sexy content creator. It’s quite easy to make assumptions about what we might be like in the bedroom - I mean take pretty much ANY of our social media feeds, just look how SEXY and INTERESTING and awesome we are!! OH boy, they must be so good at all the sex and normal life based things! 


REALITY INCOMING 


We’ve been shooting all day, and all we want is to sit in our pants with no makeup on eating pizza whilst mindlessly scrolling on social media NOT thinking or talking about anything sexy WHATsoever. This is most of our norms - and it can be super hard to detach from our work sometimes, because our work is also part of something we do in our everyday lives.


That crossover bit is why it can be so hard for so many of us in the industry to try and make relationships work, or simply just try to navigate normal healthy sex lives - there are tons of blurry lines and issues that can spring up just from working in and around sex, for example: 


The old classic…..


“You look/act so sexy all day/at your show/at the club/at your shoot, why don’t you do that/say that/act like that for me” - delete as applicable 🤣


I mean hands up who’s heard that one before?! 🖐️  - and what an absolute boner killer that line is, eh? That is hands down the NUMBER one thing that will dry me up quicker than an absorbent sheet of Plenty. 


Now I will shout it from the back for those who can’t hear me, JUST BECAUSE we dress a certain way, do a certain act on stage, or post certain pictures does not mean we are going to look like that OR act like that 24/7! No sir. In fact, if you’re dating a sex worker the likelihood is you’re going to get the opposite 🤣


It’s a bit like dating a chef - they cook ALL day, the last thing they want to do when they get in is cook a gourmet meal (trust me I’m dating one, I do most of the cooking…ahhaha) - If you’ve been dragon dildoing yourself for the best part of 8 hours on cam - chances are when you get into bed that night, you’re going to need a little break, I mean that’s an extreme example - but it really is basically the same thing. 


This job will make a lot of partners insecure, because they see that sexy version of us out there for everyone else's fantasy and enjoyment... and not so much for them. It’s taken me years to understand that, and it’s OK - it’s fine for them to feel that way and we have to be mindful of it. They also have to understand that we are essentially living in fantasy land most of the time fulfilling other people's desires, BUT 99% of the time it’s for show and it is 100% work, like any other job.


If you are in the right relationship, where your partner is there to support, love and cherish you - the likelihood is that you will want to also explore the things you do in your work (whatever the level you work at) with your partner. If someone makes you feel fantastic - they will understand your work is your work and that your sex life is entirely separate to that. 


ACCIDENTAL DESENSITISATION 


Another thing we have to be careful of as sex workers is becoming very much desensitised to sex and the sexy world in general. Things we think are ‘normal’ or may treat as blasé often are in fact quite extreme and can sometimes be shocking to the general public.


I’ve been around the sexy industry so long, I literally forget sometimes what is appropriate - I remember chatting over Chinese once in Soho about my friend who was experimenting with speculums and anal piss play: I can tell you now, this was definitely not an appropriate dinner conversation judging by the looks I got!


Being surrounded by sex all the time can sometimes be detrimental for our mental health. Whilst sex is something that we can enjoy IRL when it’s part of our work too, certain things can seem very ‘normal’ to us and non-sexy. This can lead us into searching out more and more things that actually turn us on, that’s NOT always a bad thing - particularly for our partners! But if you find yourself going to increasingly more extreme places, it’s good to be mindful of this and ensure that you have a good work/life balance, and take a break when you feel like you need to. This is essential if you want any sort of longevity in the industry. 


MORE COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS 


A lot of false assumptions were made about me on far too many occasions growing up in the industry - many of which actually lead me to creating my ‘Von’ persona - the sexy version of me that was untouchable by reality. A lot of good and bad has come from this of course, the good - I made a career out of being sexy, and the bad… I made some terrible sex decisions along the way because of the assumptions people made of me, that I felt I needed to play up to.


Don’t get me wrong….


Working around sexy all the time can make you much more open minded and confident - I see loads of creators using whatever it is they’re into as their main stream of income - if you’re talent is squirting 9 feet and you absolutely love it - I say BRAVO - good on you! GET THAT PAPER! 


If however you’re like me, and first entered the confusing world of sexy as a naive 17-year-old, it can be easy to let other people’s assumptions of you be your reality, as you don’t really know yourself yet. If this is you, try not to get into anything TOO soon, be careful of what levels you want to work towards and take things slowly. 


Using our jobs to explore what it is we like and don’t like is not a bad thing, if done on our terms and always, ALWAYS consensually. 


Just because we’re getting paid 


DOES NOT mean it’s ever ok to push our boundaries in real life, in the same way as it does online. As content creators most of us know about level pushing - and the same thing VERY much applies to real life situations. 


The reality for so many of us is that we are fulfilling other people's fantasies on a daily basis, and unless you are in fact paying us IRL we will not just magically be turning up daily to fulfil yours either. Nope! 


I spent WAY too much time wanting to fulfil people's needs sexually because of my job as a sex advice columnist back in the day, and it was only because I wanted to live up to people's projected expectations of me. I didn't want to disappoint!


It’s so important to be comfortable with the fact that it’s OK to not be up for it all the time, and it’s OK to explain to people that your job is separate from your work and that what we do a lot of the time, is pure fantasy.


I’ll finish on this…


Just because our role as creators is to be responsible and fulfil someone's fantasy sexually, it doesn’t mean that it's our real life job to do the same. We have to enjoy the industry that we work in if it starts to impact your life negatively in any way stop! 


Never let people's assumptions of you be the basis of any opinions that you form about yourself, or actions that you make in REAL life, I’ve made that mistake FAR too many times and it did not serve me well. Be kind to yourself, and always make sure you’re doing things because YOU want to do them in your work AND in real life. 


For more info on how to set levels that you are comfortable with - check out our Beginner's Workbook :)

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