Updated: Jul 26, 2020
by Von Wager
HANDS UP WHO ELSE IS TERRIFIED AT THE PROSPECT OF NORMALITY POST LOCKDOWN?
It has been dawning on me that the catalyst for many of my recent ‘mini breakdowns’ (shall we say), seem to be routed from a general feeling that I am no longer in control of so many extraneous variables in my little world. Truth be told, we really can’t control anything in life and it’s usually when we try, that shit starts to go wrong! This global pandemic that has seemingly gone on for what feels like forever, has most certainly reinforced this for me.
Lots of us during lockdown have had to try and cope with the loss of our jobs leaving many of us creative types in a pure identity crisis, as our work is often so inherently attached to a sense of self, a sense of belonging; often defining our identity. Some industries like entertainment, will still be waiting on the 4th of July for their normality to kick in, but the majority of people (in the UK at least) will be going back to their old lives and routines.
There is this sense of looming anxiety for so many people that I’ve been chatting to, regarding the uncertainty of the reopening of the world in a matter of weeks. Last week in particular seemed rough for loads of us, myself included; some of us know what’s next for them (going back to what they always did) some have no clue when they’ll be back to work, others don’t want to go back, and some have even lost their careers altogether.
Feeling like everyone is snapping back to reality and you’re being left behind is a harrowing thought. Social media, the news, and even chatting to your friends WILL make you doubt your current situation right now no matter what it is you’re doing, unless you’re one of those awesome humans who really isn’t phased by much. The past four months however, will have influenced you to change in some way, whether you see it now or not.
Lockdown for me meant that yes, my job as an international performer completely disappeared overnight, BUT on the flip side I got to set up my OnlyFans, work on the awesome Get Your Bits Out, as well as develop future projects - all for myself. My life changed immeasurably, days that were once filled with untold amounts of travelling and packing and unpacking, are now spent self shooting, blog writing, creating strategies and developing new networks of friends and colleagues.
Whilst this time has been really unsettling, it’s also the first time in a LONG time where I feel calm, and have been able to focus on me. I’ve also been able to realise how many things I did pre lockdown that were bad for me, as well as the things I was doing to please others, even when those people were sometimes not good for me. I realise how many parties I went to that I didn’t really want to attend, how many jobs I said yes to that were bad for my mental health, how many times I did things just to try and fit in - and honestly, to feel liked or to have shit to post about on Instagram.