by Von Wager
I SIMPLY CAN NOT.
A couple of weeks ago I got told by my lovely boyfriend that I had spent three solid days saying ‘I can’t’ to pretty much everything. We were boxing in the park and I had decided that I could no longer do this really tricky double punch where you throw a punch then STRAIGHT after you do another one. Sounds proper easy, but you have to ‘whip it’ (as he says) and pivot forward with poise, grace and force - things which I do not naturally possess in my clumsy wheelhouse.
I absolutely COULD do the punch, I just couldn’t get it perfectly right at that moment - it would have taken practice, but I was very much trapped in what I call an ‘I can’t loop’. I can’t loops, otherwise known as those self deprecating holes of misery that I sometimes get into, that once I am inside there is a solid chance I will be quickly consumed by nothing but negativity. I used to find myself deep within these dark chasms oh so often when I was really suffering, my life was made up of ‘I can’t this’ and 'I don’t deserve that’ so it took me back slightly when he called me up on it.
It’s taken me absolutely years to get to a place where I am happy most of the time, where I don’t hate on myself daily, where I’m not an anxious wreck - where I celebrate all that is Von and her weird and wonderful ways! It’s taken practice and sheer determination to rewire my brain almost completely from a very dark place which didn’t happen overnight in ANY way, but it's bloody easy to dip back into that murky pit I tell you. In fact it's much easier to live there than it is to stay in the light, which is why I subconsciously chose to stay there for so long.
I learnt about this in therapy and have discussed this before, but to explain what I mean - if we are used to negative behaviour patterns or surroundings we seek comfort in them. If we were brought up in chaos, we seek that chaos later in life. If we are told we only deserve x over and over again, then we seek x - even if x is bad for us and makes us incredibly unhappy. Given the choice we fly towards the bad like a moth to a very alluring, but dangerous flame.
Right now so many of us are going through very intense and often forced changes in our circumstances because of a global pandemic. For a lot of content creators our lives might not be drastically different from before - however unbeknownst to us, we will categorically be affected by the things and the changes happening around us, by the news, by our friends - by social media. We have been pounded now repeatedly by SO MUCH shit for the best part of the year, it is no wonder that even the most ZEN humans are struggling to reach the last remaining morsels in their serotonin pots.